ARE YOU THERE?

Spook World Is Tapped for a Spicy Interview

By Neal R. O'Hara

Prominent Chatauquan Gets Earful of Spirits, With Consent of Anti-Saloon League, of Course.

A large gent goes into a trance. Drops hard-earned jitney into a slot. Five minutes' wait. Then he speaks into trance-mitter.

"Central, I want to get Paradise 7602," he says. "I want to talk with Mr Sherlock Holmes, personally....Yes, Mr Sherlock Holmes. You will find him in the shadow department....shadow department...I said Shadow Department - Mr Holmes is a detective....That's right....Mr Doyle! I said A. Con 'Em Doyle, LL. D....No, no; not Acorn M. Doyle! I said A. Con 'Em Doyle, LL. D....Yes, that is correct....What does the LL. D. stand for? It stands for Lecture Dates - silly!...Thank you."

-

One hour and forty minutes elapse.

-

Bell rings.

CENTRAL - Is this Pazaza eight-eight-one-thr-r-r-r-r-ree?...Mr Doyle?...Just a minute, Mr Doyle. Here's your party. All ready, Paradise.

A VOICE - (celestial but businesslike) - Hellohellohello.

DOYLE - Are you there?

VOICE - Am I there? I should say I AM. I'm there forty ways.

DOYLE - Haw, haw.

VOICE - Strange! Where have I heard that voice before? Quick, the needle!

DOYLE - Hello, Holmes. Doncherknowme? This is Doyle.

VOICE - Hello, Con 'Em. Course I know you. Knew it was you in the first place. Can't fool old Sherlock, you know. How are you, anyway?

DOYLE - Ripping.

VOICE - And how are Mrs Doyle and all the little Doyle's?

DOYLE - Ripping, too...I say, Holmes; how's everything in Paradise.

VOICE - Great! You know, I've got my pipe along with me.

DOYLE - You mean the great big briar one I wrote for you?

VOICE - Uh-huh. And say, y'oughta see the smoke rings I blow. Bigger than any halos they've got up here. Y'oughta see me, kid.

DOYLE - Don't call me "kid." I'm a peer. Call me "Sir."

VOICE - Yes, sir. And say, kid - ZZZPUTSPUTBAMBAMZZZ!

DOYLE - What's that, Holmes?

VOICE - Oh, that's Pittsburgh trying to put a call in. Get out of the air, KDKA!

DOYLE - Very annoying.

VOICE - I'll tell the world it is!...Nobody from Pittsburgh up here, anyway.

DOYLE - I say, Sherlock; where's Watson?

VOICE - Watson ain't here.

DOYLE - No?

VOICE - No. Watson's suffering from prickly heat - you know where.

DOYLE - I can guess.

VOICE - Yes, sir; it was easier for Watson to walk right through the eye of a hypodermic needle than get into this place.

DOYLE - Tell me, Sherlock, are there any mysteries to solve where you are?

VOICE - Only one tough one. We're a little uneasy about that Mary Langdon Baker - Allister McCormick wedding. Nobody seems to know whether that'll be pulled off or called off again. Except for that, everything's quiet. By the way, what are you doing?

DOYLE - Lecturing in America. I listen to the spirits that want to talk to me.

VOICE - I thought McCormack had the exclusive rights to "I Hear You Calling Me."

DOYLE - Mac's got the singing rights - I got the talking privilege. I'm starting in where Lodge left off.

VOICE - I didn't know Lodge had quit talking yet.

DOYLE - Oh, I mean Oliver, not Henry.

CENTRAL - Another nickel, please, for five minutes.

DOYLE - Dear me, I must stop, Sherlock.

VOICE - Well, all right. If you see my brother, Burton, give him my regards. And tell him noot to shoot too much with that camera of his. Because, boy, he ain't seen nothing yet! I'll tell the world!

Evening World, 19 April 1922