Click on these links for publication details of editions used for indexing:

short stories | novels | children's stories

This parody appeared in the St Louis Republic in 1903. As far as I am aware it has not been republished since then.




While William Gillette was resting last summer by taking the Mediterranean trip with Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty, of Scotland Yard, he was much Impressed by the beauties of all that he saw in that charming summer sea. Gibraltar filled him with wonder by its massive grandeur, and at Algiers he and his companions found much that was diverting.

As the trip progressed he seemed to gain in spirits and to take sheer delight in everything he encountered until Naples was reached, when, after a sojourn of five days, his companions observed that he was vlsibly depressed.

"What is the matter wllh him, Morlarty?" asked Holmes as he noted an unusual pallor upon the actor's cheek. "Do you suppose he Is coming down with anything?"

"I'm blest if I know, Sherlock." replied Moriarty. "I've noticed, though, that ever since we went out to Pompeii he's been as glum as the Dickens."

"Maybe he has had news from home." said Holmes. "Clyde Fitch may have refused to write any cigars into his proposed version of Hamlet."

"It may be so," replied Morlarty. "What do you say to asking him?"

"Good Idea," said Holmes. So they broached the question to Gillette.

"Oh, I'm clean discouraged," he replied. "Gone all to pieces. Gibraltar braced me up. Algiers filled my soul with poetry. the Sahara gave me sand enough to conquer the world and Corsica exhilarated me to the tenth power, but Vesuvius - it makes me feel so cheap, so small, so insignificant, so" -

"Why. how absurd" cried Holmes.

"You're getting dotty."

"Why should a slzzling little ash heap like Vesuvius discourage you?"

Gillette walked to the window and gazed mournfully out upon the distant volcano.

"Look!" he cried. "Look! I can be big and firm and Inflexible as Gibraltar, Sherlock. I can be as romantic as Corsica, as diverting as Algiers, so gritty as the Sahara, but, boys, I never can smoke like that!"

And his companions understood and led him back gently to his room, where they left him for the night.

St Louis Republic, 3 January 1903

found at